I debated about whether or not to write this post. It’s personal, extremely personal, but I think what’s happening in my life right now will affect the blog, both directly and indirectly.
Besides, I consider a lot of you good friends and you’ve been so supportive and encouraging, it feels right to share what’s going on.
Let me back up a bit for people who might not know my living situation. I’ve been living with my mother since 2009 when she was diagnosed with lymphoma or CLL – chronic lymphatic leukemia. Each week I’d spend a few days with Mom and a few days with my husband, then when he died in May 2012 and I moved in with Mom permanently. Last year we moved into an ideal ‘dual-living’ home with basically two full living spaces – Mom upstairs, and me downstairs.
Ideal for the past year, at least.
Both Mom and I were sick with food poisoning for three weeks in August. While I got better, Mom’s illness was the beginning of a very slippery slope including two hospital stays starting with cellulitis and ending with respiratory failure.
In four weeks!
Well, she had the intestinal problems for three weeks, was better for one, then picked up cellulitis the next week. Between August 25 to September 25 she went from being someone who hopped on one foot to the mirror to put her “face” on to a frail slip of a woman, lying in a home-hospital bed where I draw her eyebrows on each morning and three tiny spoonfuls of Jello are cause for celebration.
While the initial shock has worn off there are moments that it feels surreal.
This can’t be my mother. Not the same woman who just two months ago was climbing two flights of stairs to take step-aerobics with me – the class that she taught for over 30 years!
But it is my mother.
And she’s nearing the end of her journey.
I don’t know how much I’ll write about any of it . . . or if I’ll even write at all. Writing helped me so much when my husband died but then I barely wrote about my brother’s passing.
If you’re keeping count, this will make three losses in as many years.
Strange as it seems, losing my husband and brother has given me strength to deal with the loss of my mother, my lifelong friend and companion. So there’s that. Plus, you just kinda know what to expect – the depression, the anger, the guilt, the no-warning-tears. You know this all happens and you know you’ll get through it and you know you will one day laugh again.
I’m just taking one minute at a time. I felt like writing today and started pouring it all out . . . but wound up with a book. I might decide to write it all out if for no other reason than it might help someone else who has or is experiencing loss. But I don’t know.
One minute at a time.
Colleen
Your comments touched me personally. My 87 yr old Mom is permanently in a nursing home due to a fall in March. My Dad is there faithfully every day and getting older and frail by the day. She’s lived a full life and we’ve always been close. Your comments helped me today as Im facing the reality of not having my Mom to call, cook with, travel with and just be there. Thanks so much for sharing.
Oh Marsha, God bless you. It’s so ridiculously hard, and yet, an inevitable part of life too. I’ll pray for you and your dad. I can’t imagine how hard it’ll be for him. Well, actually I can, although I only had 21 years with my husband.
I didn’t think I’d write about any of this but your comment this morning has changed my mind. Thank you so much. It can help to hear of others’ experiences. Take care.
~Colleen
I am so sorry Colleen.
I’m so sorry To hear your news Colleen my heart goes out to you, Lyn x
Beautifully written. Take care of yourself too.
Colleen, my heart is breaking for you. I will keep you in my prayers!
So many of us are in similar situations-many of our parents are aging and frail. My family also goes day to day with our Mom-we rejoice in the good moments, and try to find strength to get through the rough ones. I understand,support and pray for you-it is a big issue to carry on only one set of shoulders.
Oh, Colleen. I wish I could write a “book” right back. I too have been through this. You know you are right on all counts, but maybe this time with so many friends in cyberland and the experiences that you have experienced will make it a little teen bit easier to handle. We are all praying for you. Write and let us know how things are going when you want to. We care.
Colleen,
I am sorry you have been through so many losses in a short period of time. Thank you for your post. I hope you don’t feel what I am saying is callous. Your mom was vibrant, healthy and “herself” until this and has quickly deteriorated. I have watched my mom grow older and into someone I barely recognize and it is hard to remember the days when she was vibrant and herself. The loss will hurt whenever it occurs but I believe I would have preferred to lose my mom while I could remember having enjoyed her vibrancy within the past few months.
I was an only child, my mother died when I was young. It was my dad and I for 44 yrs. He, like your mother, was great one day. The next, things changed. He was 94 when he passed and spent the last month of his life in a nursing home. I was there most days, and always tucked him in at night.
I felt like we completed the circle of life, he cared for me as a child and I cared for him in those last stages. It helped me tremendously find closure. I felt like the life process had been completed and all our business had been completed.
A friend that she knew I would miss those daily phone calls. I told her that know I didn’t have to wait for the phone, I could speak with him anytime. His presence is always around.
Blessings, prayers and hugs your way!
I am so very sorry, Colleen. It is so, so hard to watch someone you love go down that slippery slope of 2 steps forward then 3 or more back. My heart is with you. I wish I could give you a big hug!!! You have support here. By all means talk it out with us if that feels right. Meanwhile, I’m sending positive, healing thoughts your way! HUGS!!!
I am so happy you decided to share your life with us….the good and the hard times. You have a lot of people that will send good thoughts and prayers your way. I, too, can relate to losses. My godfather died last year….he was in a nursing home 9 1/2 years and I watched his decline. I was with him when he passed away. It was peaceful and I am happy knowing he is no longer in pain. He was ready to go. My 61 year old SIL is fighting pancreatic cancer. Hers is inoperable but she is going for all the quality time she can. We scrapbook once a week and enjoy these times together. We realize what lies ahead. My friend’s Mom had surgery for colon and pancreatic cancer over a month ago. She got to rehab and then developed a fistula. She is recovering from repair for that but had some breathing issues and ended up in ICU on a vent. I did hear she got off the vent yesterday. I was with her dau on Wed. I have aging parents too. Mom is 83 and losing more ground..getting frailer each day. Dad has cared for her for 20 years and he is wearing out and is 79. I try and do what I can. I also checked on my 94 year old neighbor too yesterday. Last week I checked on the 88 year old family friend.
The most important thing is you are doing your best, you have many great memories and brought great joy. I do understand. I am just so sorry you have had so much loss in such a short time.
Take care.
Colleen,
I am so sorry to hear about the sudden and severe decline in your Mom’s condition. You know I lived with my mom for 10 years, until I finally had to move her to a nursing home in April of 2013. It is still hard every single day. You have been through so much in the past few years, and even though it is going to be difficult, you will get through this time as well. Your mom is lucky to have you, to have had this time with you, and even though we are never ready to lose our mothers, you know that we don’t get to pick how long we get.
You have always shared your life with us, and I think many of us consider you a friend and really care about you. Of course you have to do what is right for you, but please know we care and will be here for you if you would like to share. I know all that you shared about losing your husband helped me so much, and I feel like we are walking this journey together now.
Be assured of my love and prayers for both you and your mom. Please get in touch if you would like to “talk”, I am always here for you.
Hugs and prayers,
Maureen
♡♡♡♡ Thanks for sharing. I am in a similar situation and this helps us both.
Words, words, words!! What can one say to help? What advice can one give? Just know that we are thinking of you and your mother and hoping the love and happiness you have bestowed on each other during your lives together soothes her ending and sustains you as you continue the fulfilling life she prepared you for.
Silvi C
Colleen, Oh, I am so sorry. I, too, lost my oldest Brother, My paternal Grandparents and my precious Mother all within a few years. Actually my Grandparents and Mother passed within 9 months of each other. My Grandparents had lived a full life and were both in their 90’s. I know they are Saints in Heaven. But when I lost my Momma, I was broken. I can still cry very easily, just thinking about her. It has been 17 years since her passing. I remember leaving the hospital in such grief, knowing she was at her end, crying so hard that I don’t actually remember the drive home. To this day, I am convinced that my Guardian Angels drove me home. I know exactly what you are feeling. Thank goodness for my sweet hubby and the fact that my children were small and needed me. Please know that you are loved by so many. I am here for you and I will keep you and your Mother in my heart and prayers. Stay strong, my friend Stay strong. Big Hugs, Laura
Just as when your beloved hsb. passed, words fail me. I can know and empathize with your pain. After having daily phone calls to help my father with learning to master his crockpot, iron skillet, toaster oven, microwave, egg poacher and mailbug (no computer just emails for recipes etc) for the 7yrs after Mom went to be with our Savior he suddenly spoke unintelligibly and the rest of the long distance phone calls were from cardiospecialists and then he went to be with Mom and our Savior. Just because he was 93 yo did not make it any easier. the usual time for the phone calls are still scheduled around when I forget he has left us. Prayers for you and your mother. How is your little grandson taking this challenge ??
Thank you for sharing! My daughter lost her mother-in-law on May 2nd. Two weeks exactly from when she went to Dr and was told to call hospice.. We were all in shock. Her husband had passed away 16 years ago and right before he left her, he bought a house across the street and a few houses down from mydaughter and her only son. They had her only two grandchildren. One was getting her RN and the other was graduating from high school. We were all overwhelmed. We pitched in and had graduation and a lovely brunch and we were all just doing what had to be done for the girls. Then my stepmother had a stroke and was in the nursing home and in a wheel chair and totally unable to do anything. We have made it through this and I had a note from my stepfather that they have called in hospice for my mother who moved to California 40 years ago. She is not good. Hospice is helping and my stepfather has her at home so he can make sure she is taken care of. It is too much for him but his girls live out there now. This is one year that will always be a memory. A good friend told me once to never let my hips get bigger than my shoulders. It was good advice!
There are no words. My mom is in a similar situation and I wonder each day if it will be her last. Thanks for sharing. My prayers are with you.
Katherine
What you’re going through is one of the hardest things you’ll ever do. My father passed when I was 29, after being ill for 13 years. My mother passed 10 years later from a terminal illness. It’s incredibly hard to lose your parents, and you always miss them, and wish you could talk to them. As you said, life goes on, we adjust, the circle of life continues…but that doesn’t decrease the pain any. Feel free anytime to share and talk here. The people who don’t want to read it won’t, and the people who understand will. You could also just type a personal journal that you don’t publish, just to get your feelings out on paper(or the computer screen). You need someone to talk to, and unfortunately, it seems you are losing everyone who you could talk to in person. dahlgren0609 at gmail dot com
Colleen – Thank you for sharing your emotional journey. Unfortunately, the elderly do not usually recover well from difficult illnesses. I have lost my father, mother and brother. I became a hospice RN because I saw the difference hospice can make in a patient and family’s life while faced with end of life of a loved one. If you are not familiar with hospice, please check into it. You could be able to take your mother home with their help. I will pray for you, your mother, and family. God bless.
xoxo
I purposely did not read your other post. At the time I was dealing with my own tragedy. My sister passed on the 21st. She was twenty-one years older than me. She had already moved away from home, was married and had a daughter before I was born. Similar to losing a mother, a best friend and someone near to who you are yourself.
Cherish every moment. Hugs to you both!
Colleen- I am a lurker but I wanted to send my condolences on the loss of your mother. Keep your eye on the positive and I hope you find peace soon. Katy