I’ve tried to write this so many times . . . and just gave up. I didn’t know where to start. Still don’t so I’m just going to spit out words until something makes some sense. But there is no sense to depression and anxiety. If you’ve suffered with either, you know what I mean. Even if you haven’t but a loved one has, you still understand that there is no rationale for the depths of despair that come with what I now call “the black hole”. However, since May is Mental Health Awareness Month, today seems as good a day as any to write this very personal post in hopes that, not only I can find some sense to it all, but maybe someone else can too.
Sidenote: Were you aware there even was a Mental Health month? I wasn’t. Thank you to Jenny Lawson, The Bloggess, for her forthright posts and mentioning it. Not that I’m doing anything differently this month . . . as if I could. I go day-to-day, minute-to-minute.
I was diagnosed in 2015 with ‘clinical’ depression and anxiety ‘disorder’. (If I put little thingies around ‘clinical’ and ‘disorder’ they don’t seem so serious to me.) I’ve had depression many times before and certainly anxiety – I think most any mother/stepmother can relate – but this is the first time I felt non-functional and sought medical help.
So let’s see . . . my hubs died in 2012, my brother in March 2014 and Mom in October 2014. I made it nearly 6 months before I realized I was in trouble.
Truthfully, I don’t think I did realize it. I think my doctor recognized it before I did and suggested a mild anti-depressant. Not too long after that my anxiety was demonstrated in physical tremors for which he put me on a mild anti-anxiety med – not a benzodiazepine (Valium, Klonopen, etc.) – which helped tremendously . . . for a few months. Anyway, fast-forward to the triggers.
Triggers. Ah, yes. You get used to that word when you’re in therapy. But I’m jumping ahead of myself. In January 2016 I had 3 major triggers that sent me reeling. Not what I’d call panic attacks . . . more like meltdowns where I’d completely lose it. Sometimes for no particular reason, or so I thought at the time. At any rate, Dr. put me on a 10 day course of Ativan – a popular benzodiazepine (sedative). I thought, Wow, where has this stuff been all of my life. Thing is, I wasn’t scheduled to see Dr. for 12 days. Two days without sedatives.
Houston, we have a problem.
to be continued
I’m eager to see more of your experience. You are appreciated.
As are you! Thank you Nancy.
Colleen, I hope this has a happy ending and hats off to your courage in writing about such a personal challenge.
So nice to hear from you, Craig! I don’t know if it’s courage or what. It ain’t easy, I’ll tell you that. But it is therapeutic.
xoxo
You’ve done well to still be standing after so much loss. I found that I needed to fill my time after my husband died but some days were just a blur. I realised that when it was an especially bad day I just had to get through it and if nothing got done so be it. Your creativity will probably be a great help. x.
I’m sorry to hear about your loss, Elaine. Losing your spouse is so, so difficult. I didn’t take time to grieve as I was busy with my brother and mother. Even now, creativity is a bit of a struggle, but a necessary one.
Thank you for commenting.
Colleen
Dearest Elaine:
You have had such a tremendous struggle. I, like you, have a family doctor who noticed things in me that I didn’t see. I think HE led us to find doctors like the ones we are fortunate to have. Depression can be a very lonely road and the hardest part for me was to acknowledge it. Please know that you do not struggle alone and that you have prayers being sent for your ongoing journey. Many of us walk this path with you, so think of us holding your hand and being a shoulder to lean on.
Keep the faith, darlin’.
Marci, you’re so very kind and sweet, thank you. I know many suffer with depression and anxiety. It IS a lonely road. I’m fortunate to now live with a very positive friend who keeps me going when I don’t want to. She’s been thru loss and depression herself so she understands.
Again, thank you.
Colleen
so very very nice to hear from you once more. having lost both parents and some cousins in a short period of time and some of them to very horrid versions of cancer and others still struggling with their care, I can totally empathize with you. WE are now waiting to see which major surgery will be most advantageous to be first priority for my hsb. Prayers and knowing He is walking and frequently carrying us through all of this has been the lifesaver.
again, so very glad to hear from you and praying for the very best outcome.
Oh Brenda, I’m so sorry for all you’re going thru. I hope you have someone, a friend, relative, whomever, who can be by your side when needed.
Will also send prayers for your husband.
Thanks so much for writing.
C
Thank you for sharing, it’s hard, I know
Yeah it is, Becky. All of it is hard but I’m feeling much better now and writing about it helps a lot.
Thank you!
C
I’m so glad to see you, Colleen! To hear you speak out on a subject that many of us know firsthand.is very brave. Well done, you! My thoughts are with you and I look forward to hearing more of your story. Sometimes life is very hard. You’ve had more loss than any mortal should have to stand and you’ve gotten through it. Take care and know you have many who care about you!
Hugs,
Kris
Aw Kris, thanks so much. It’s been a rough few years. that’s for sure. Working was just out of the question. Luckily I have a great therapist who’s helping a lot (even though I resist going every time . . . like today!).
xoxo
C
I am so proud of you Colleen. Seriously I read the shared sad events as they unfolded as they happened in your life.Now you have shared about depression and the effects upon your life.I am in Australia and have been in and out of depression several times.Just know you are appreciated and your talent with your art is marvellous. Keep sharing anything with us your friends here on the Internet,hugs Betty Tompsett
Aw, Betty, thank YOU! It’s so odd to share something so personal and reach so many by doing so.
I did close myself off for a couple of years. Now I’m slowly coming back so comments like yours really, truly are so helpful. Thank you.
xo
Colleen