Christmas 2011
Hello, my dear readers. This is by far the hardest post I’ve ever written since I’ve been blogging and I’ve debated whether or not to even write it at all. After a lot of consideration, I know I’m making the right decision in sharing this with you.
My husband, Marlon, died completely unexpectedly two days ago. To say I’m in shock and utter despair would be a gross understatement. I keep thinking I’ll awaken from this nightmare to hear his horrendous, yet somehow melodious, snoring.
Maybe if I write it all down, if I commit it to ‘paper’, it’ll seem more real. Maybe I’ll be able to go a full 30 minutes without a tissue. Maybe I’ll better understand what has happened, and is happening, to my life. Maybe I’ll feel better.
Or maybe not.
What I do know is my best friend of 21 years is no longer by my side and there are no words that aptly describe my sense of loss. And yet, here I am, trying. Trying to find some way to explain of the inexplicable. Not just for me, but for our 3 sons and our precious grandson.
I might not be able to explain why Marlon was taken from us so abruptly, so soon, so tragically, but what I can explain is what an absolutely incredible man he was and how many lives he touched.
I can explain how he died. More importantly, I can explain how he lived.
This isn’t easy, trying to find words that accurately convey who Marlon is/was. But I can hear him right now telling me to keep trying.
He was my biggest fan.
He loved that I blogged. Partly because he admired my writing but I think mainly because I finally had an outlet where I could pour all of my words. (Instead of his ears, bless his heart.) Whenever I’d get frustrated or depressed with blogging, he’d urge me to continue. When I’d question whether or not to share personal stories, he’d urge me to do it. As a matter of fact, he had a lot of his own ideas too such as activities for 4 year olds, a Google+ ebook, a step parenting series, to name a few. I’d argue that I just don’t have that kind of time and it isn’t that easy to write. And, as usual, I’d lose the argument.
When my father was in failing health in the 1990’s, Marlon wanted me to sit with Dad and write down his fabulous stories. But I didn’t and I regret that to this day.
I can’t sit down with Marlon now, but I can write his stories. For me, for our sons, for our grandson, for the hundreds thousands of people who’s lives he touched.
Because I just can’t say good bye. Not yet.
I am continuing to write about Marlon, partly for our sons and grandson, but mainly because it is helping me to heal. So far I’ve written about our experience in the emergency room, his hospitalization and passing, and my Manifesto. Thank you for all of your prayers and kind thoughts.
I am so very sorry on your loss. Your husband sounds like a fantastic man/husband/father.
Thank you for sharing.
You and your family are in my prayers.
Marie
Marlon sounds like a fantastic man. I am so terribly sorry for your loss and the pain you are going through. I am glad you wrote and told us, please allow this community to help to support you through this time, let us lift you up in prayer, and tell us the stories about Marlon too. May God grant you and your family peace and comfort as you go through this terrible time.
Hugs,
Maureen
Colleen I am Heartsoar for your Loss I wish I could be there to hug You Just know that ever person that wraps their arms around you I am too.
When you a ready to tell Marlon”s Stories I will be sitting here reading them with everyone else .
Your Marlon sound a lot like my DH he too was after me to write my Mother’s stories her childhood my Great Grandparents stories But I did not.
My Mother said to me the last evening I spent with her Look to the Stars I’ll be there though you Can’t ALWAYS see them you know they are there.
God Bless Ann/alba ((((( Huge Hugs )))))
So sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine what you are going through. Please do tell your stories, it will be good for us all.
I am so sorry to hear of your loss. Marlon sounded like a wonderful husband and father. Thought and prayers for you and your family.
So sorry for your loss. I was just thinking what would I do if this was my husband. Wishing you the best…
My deepest sympathy to you and your family. Prayers for you will be in my heart.
Im sorry to hear about your loss.
It’s Ok to be sad. Don’t let anyone tell you when it’s time to move on. Cry like crazy during commercials or movies that touch something in you, laugh to yourself about a funny memory when in your line at grocery store or somewhere else – even if the other folks think you are mad! And if you dream about your love and best friend, enjoy the extra time you can spend with them.
Oh, me and my friends are so sorry to hear this. Our sympathies are with you . We will enjoy hearing stories, and please know your readers are here to suport you and feel your sorrow together.
I am so sorry that your beloved passed away. I think it is good that you are writing and from the way you describe him, I think he would agree. I wish I could take away pain like this for people, but. .. I can’t. You’re going to cry a whole lot in the coming days; I pray you have shoulders to cry on.
I am so sorry to be reading this. My thoughts are with you and your family. Take care of each other. Sending you lots of strength and a big hug.
Warm wishes and prayers for you and your family. Although your Marlon can’t be with you here on earth, he will be always there when you need him in spirit. God’s blessings.
I am so very sorry and shocked to hear about your loss. I hope you will share Marlon’s story with us.
Inadequate words to express my sympathies.
Lisa
I am so sorry for your loss. I cannot find the words to express the heartbreak I feel for you.
Collen, my condolences to you and your family. Know that all of your blog friends support you and look forward to your stories of that special person/best friend who shared your life. May God be wih you in your time of sorrow.
I’m so sorry for your loss, Colleen. Not much anyone can say will ease your pain but know that there are lots of people sending some love your way at this tough time.
regards
Fiona
I’m so sorry to hear of your loss, Colleen. I, too, unexpectedly was widowed. It’s been almost 24 years now (I was 32 at the time) and I know that what you are going through now is awful, but there is light at the end of the tunnel. You have family to help you through this. Talk about Marlon with your friends and family, and that will help keep him alive in your heart and thoughts. Know that those of us who read your blog may not have know Marlon personally, but through your stories we felt as though we did. We grieve with you and for you.
Colleen, I am so sorry to read today’s post and hear that you have lost your husband, Marlon. I’m so sorry for you and your family and I hope that you know all of us out here are thinking of you and wish you strength and peace.
You and your family will be in my prayers. Sandy
Maybe you could read my book of grief, my never ending question ‘why?’, my explanation of the gray veil that envelopes the grief stricken for weeks, onths, and gradually lifts to reveal the truth. Then dream of the lovely and dear, hold on to the memories, cry, cry, cry, cry somemmore. Talk about him, your dear soul mate, tell everyone how dear he was, and how your heart aches. Your friends will understand and hold you tight. It may help but a little, but in a year, maybe two, you will be able to take giant steps again without the ache in your heart and without very heavy feet. I have missed the men in my life I have lost, and my mom too, my dad leaving abruptly when he was 59, never knowing his successful grandkids. My brother in law, a long and lingering dying, my mom at 92 saying goodby, and the hardest my son in law, dying of electrocution in a swimming pool, and I tried to save him. He was the stay at home daddy and that life event changed all our lives. The family has never quite gotten over that one. My heart aches for you, just aches, and i think you may have the peace that passes all understanding some day when you dear one comes to you in a vivid dream and tells you he is just fine. It took awhile for that vivid dream to happen for my daughter, but it finally did. The grand goodbye, with the smells of her hubby, his favorite clothese, and some comfort for her, finally. I am sad for you. This is MY story. I wish it was not yours.
So sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine what you are experiencing but do know you and yours will be in my thoughts and prayers as you maneuver through this enormous loss and grief.
Please accept my heartfelt sympathy. I love your blog and hpe contributing to it will bring you comfort and glorify the memory of your best friend. HUGS!!!
Oh Colleen, I am so sorry and shocked to read of Marlon’s passing. I wish there was something I could say or do to ease the pain I know you are feeling. Please just accept my hearfelt sympathy and sadness for your loss. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Please know that there are many of us out here who are thinking of you and your family.
Hi Colleen, My friend sent me your site and I’m glad that she did. I am very sorry for the death of your beloved husband and for the sadness and disbelief that you must now feel. I lost my husband a little over a year ago; I began my blog in July of 2010 with his encouragement. My blog at that time was about outfits, aging and cancer caregiving, and he became my photographer. After April 2011 it became a blog about outfits and grieving. Writing has helped me deal with his loss and my outfits help me focus on self expression and healing. I have received support from wonderful people who I only know because of the internet. I don’t know exactly how you are feeling, but I have empathy for your process. My thoughts are with you during this devastating time. Warmly, Judith from http://stylecrone.com/
I’m so sorry for you loss!! My prayer is that God wraps his arms around you and holds you tightly through this tough time!
Dearest Colleen…I am so sorry…I just cannot imagine. I am so happy that you have this kind of love to say goodbye to, even for just a time. Love Lynerd
I am so sorry to hear of your loss. You don’t know me but I subscribe to your posts because I am just starting my journey into murals and you have such talent! My heart definitely goes out to you even though I don’t even know you. I pray you find comfort in all the great memories you have with him and all the years God blessed you with as his wife.
God Bless!
Sarah Gohman
Dear friend, I do not have words enough to say sorry. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
How are you doing? They say time will heal all but when you have such a loss im not sure your ever really healed. I know you must continue to feel loss with out him. I do hope your days and nights are getting easier, just live as he would have wanted. It sounds like he was your biggest fan and thats great. {hugs} I do hope as time passes you can think of all the good times and happiness and that will brighten your days
I am on your site for the first time, have read every single word and am bawling my head off as if you and your loving hubs were my best friends. I am so warmed by your words, as I too as an artist who needs that push from my hubs. Well nice to meet you and watch out because I may be the one pushing you now. Share that talent my girlfriend,we need you and you need us and we are ALL here for you. I am sorry for your loss. I will be here often, for you and for me to get strength from your written words.
Reading your blog posts about your husband is heart wrenching. (visiting from blogtalk) I know what grief is, having lost my sister at the age of 53 from a heart attack, my dad in 2009 and my mom on Christmas Eve 2010 from hypothermia at her nursing facility. Grief touches us all, leaving us forever changed. God bless you during this season.
Marty
Marty’s Musings
Oh Honey…I feel I’ve been in a bubble for months. I had no idea your precious husband passed to the other side of eternity in May. No idea that his passing was sudden…no idea of what pain you’re going through. I’m so sorry. So deeply sorry.
I sometimes hide from blogs, feeling terribly inadequate, and I regret it. I have in times past kept up with your sweet self, I’m sorry I have been less aware this year.
Sending you lots of prayers and loads of love my friend
Colleen, I just happened upon your blog (Holy Spirit led me here) and read of the passing of you husband and best friend. I read your story of the day and night it happened and was so moved. I hope you are doing a little better now with a few months gone but I know it is like yesterday sometimes. It will get better and the pain will dull some. I will pray for God to wrap you up in His wings and comfort you.
Warm wishes,
Linda at The French Hens Nest