I get asked that. A lot. Like, a few times every day. But I consider that an improvement over multiple phone calls I was getting every hour for the past 3 weeks.
Ugh.
Oh, I know people mean well, but what do you say when people as you if you’re okay? Heck no, I’m not okay. I’m a hot mess. And by hot, I don’t mean in the sssssizzle-hot sense.
But that’s not what I tell ‘em. I say, oh, I’m doing fine. I’m getting through one day at a time. More like, one minute at a time. How can you go from laughing to gut-wrenching sobs back to laughing in the span of 5 minutes?
It ain’t fun, lemme tell you.
Tomorrow will be the three week ‘anniversary’ of Marlon’s death. Can that be possible? I’m still in the I’ll-wake-up-pretty-soon-from-this-nightmare phase. I’m tired of all of this, I can tell you that. I’m tired of crying, of feeling depressed, of seeing one little thing on TV and losing it.
You’d think it’d be safe to watch QVC, right? Just a simple l’il shopping channel. But, ohhhhh no, my friends. Right now they’re showcasing a Masterbuilt Smoker. The exact same one I got Marlon for Christmas last year.
There’s nowhere to run and nowhere to hide, believe me. It totally sucks.
So I try to “stay strong”. (If you’re one of the many who’s told me that, forgive this little rant, k?) I’m trying with all my might to resist the temptation to punch the next person who says that to me. Stay strong? What does that mean? I wake up each morning. Sometimes I even wash my face. Today is a big one because I’m actually doing laundry. (running out of clean underwear will do that, no matter how badly you feel.)
But strong? I’m not strong. Not in the least. Ok, so maybe I haven’t crumpled into a pile of mush, unable to function at all. But that’s only because I’ve been there, done that, over a stupid man who left me. (Disclaimer: I was in my 20’s. That makes a big difference.) I know full well when I’m getting close to that stage. There’s a line, ya know, and if you cross it, it’s not an easy road back.
No, I’m trying to find . . . what are they called? Strategies? Methods? Any damn thing to make myself feel better when I’m headed down the slippery slope to the pile of mush. Anything that won’t raise a red flag unexpectedly.
Music? uh-uh. Well, some of it is okay. Radio stations are dangerous so I had to figure out Pandora and my phone. I just asked my grandson and he showed me what to do. No joke. Aerobics? blech. I do them, but only for my mother. Writing? hmm . . . sometimes. Like now. Other times, my mind can’t put two sentences together. Mindless online games? Even they don’t hold the appeal they did three weeks plus one day ago. Painting? *deep breath* I’m gonna try it today.
All of my clients have been unbelievably patient and gracious but at some point I’ve got to get to gettin’ and start working again. It’s called #Iliketoeat.
I actually found something last night that made me happy. Made me smile. Snicker. Guffaw. Pure gold. Manna from the heavens, in my book.
Her name is Roo and she blogs at Nice Girl Notes. I’d love to email and tell her how she literally saved me from the deep, dank depths of widow-depression but I’m afraid – no, I know – she’d think I was a raving lunatic. She wouldn’t be too far off actually. But today I’m trying to pull off some semblance of normalcy here.
And I wanted to share her site with you. You’ll love it. That is, if you like to laugh. And I do. Like to laugh. So did Marlon. That was the one consistent thing people said about him at his memorial – his laugh. Oh, sheesh. I haven’t finished my post about his memorial. Well, I may or may not finish it. Anymore, I’m just going with the moment because I dunno how I’ll feel tomorrow, or in the next hour.
How am I doing? Pretty good, right now. I just read a bunch of Nice Girl Notes and said Hi to my lovely blog readers.
Life is sweet.
I’ve been sharing Marlon’s passing as a loving tribute
for our sons and grandson. So far, I’ve written about saying goodbye, the emergency room, his passing and my manifesto.
Thank you for your prayers and kind comments. God bless you.
Betsy says
Hey lady…you are strong…and loved…even by people that have never met you. Peace to you in these difficult days…I’m pulling for you.
Anonymous says
My mom cleaned out the whole house after my dad passed away. And I mean the whole house. She got rid of everything that he would never say good bye to. Took his clothes to several homeless shelters and just kept emptying it out. She stayed busy and it kept her going. Then she finished and it really hit her that she couldn’t stand to be in the house anymore even though she fixed it up the way she wanted it. She ended up selling it and moving to a different state to live with my brother and help him with his kids! My mom is co-dependent. She’s never had to live on her own, never not had anyone to take care of. She is happy (I guess) and that’s what matters.
You will have your moments just go with them! It’s hard to lose someone who means so much to you.
Ann Alba says
I U …
That’s all I’m going to say, It’s what my friend say’s when she read’s my body language know I’m having a Bad day, It’s amazing how much those words can change your day.
So I U.
Erica says
Sent over here from the link on Nice Girl Notes.. sending love to you!
and for a real laugh on NGN.. read the post about her brother! its a rolling on the floor laughing post.
Ingrid says
i came on over from NGN to show some love check out Roo’s ballers of history or how to behave in social situations, very funny stuff
Lauren says
I found your blog through Roo, @ NGN. I wish I had words of wisdom that would make you feel as strong as you truly are. Being strong is exactly what you are doing, getting out of bed and washing your face, doing a load of laundry, and picking up your paint brush just to give it a go. You are in my thoughts and prayers and it is my hope that you find a good laugh when the day seems dark and a silly smile when you are down.
Anonymous says
Saying a prayer for you Colleen. May you find sweetness in your many memories and strength for your future.
Jane says
(((BIG BEAR HUGS)))
Tori says
Found your blog through NGN. I just wanted to send some hugs your way, and tell you that I love your blog.:) Your art is beautiful.
Mandi says
I’m here from NGN, too. Roo’s a funny girl. I’m glad you found her awesome blog. Hugs and prayers for you and your family!
Michelle says
Colleen, I just read your recent posts and Manifesto as Miss Mustard Seed mentioned. Thank you for sharing your story. I read it and then interrupted my husband’s workday to give him a big hug. I understand about sharing your life with a bear. My hubby is my teddy bear and my biggest, strongest supporter. You made me clear my thoughts, get out of my own head today and embrace this precious life I have. God bless you, Colleen. And God bless Marlon for expecting you to share your life with us…the good and the bad. The Lord is working through you both.
Anonymous says
Colleen, wow….when I read your post I just had to send you a note. This exact same thing happened to my father 25yrs ago. He was 52yrs old. Me, I was about 28. I have never heard anyone else with this same thing and symptoms with the aortic disection. Now that I am 52 I see how awful it must had been for my mother,because I was depressed too. I want you to know I will be praying for you. You will get through this with Gods help and your family. Hugs.
Rhoda @ Southern Hospitality says
Colleen, I’m glad to see you posting about your experience and trying to move on with life. I can’t even imagine how hard that must be. I admire your strength and determination to keep on going. We just have to do that, don’t we? Looking forward to giving you a big hug at Haven!
Shannon@Cozy Home Scenes says
Colleen, words are not sufficient for the pain you feel but just know you are in my thoughts and prayers. We don’t know each other but I wish you comfort and courage as you deal with your pain and loss. God be with you every step of the way.———— Shannon
Ria says
I am so sorry for your loss and can only begin to imagine the pain that comes with it. I hope you are able to find comfort in any way that works. I think using laughter by reading someone else’s blog is great. God bless you.