I debated about whether or not to write this post. It’s personal, extremely personal, but I think what’s happening in my life right now will affect the blog, both directly and indirectly.
Besides, I consider a lot of you good friends and you’ve been so supportive and encouraging, it feels right to share what’s going on.
Let me back up a bit for people who might not know my living situation. I’ve been living with my mother since 2009 when she was diagnosed with lymphoma or CLL – chronic lymphatic leukemia. Each week I’d spend a few days with Mom and a few days with my husband, then when he died in May 2012 and I moved in with Mom permanently. Last year we moved into an ideal ‘dual-living’ home with basically two full living spaces – Mom upstairs, and me downstairs.
Ideal for the past year, at least.
Both Mom and I were sick with food poisoning for three weeks in August. While I got better, Mom’s illness was the beginning of a very slippery slope including two hospital stays starting with cellulitis and ending with respiratory failure.
In four weeks!
Well, she had the intestinal problems for three weeks, was better for one, then picked up cellulitis the next week. Between August 25 to September 25 she went from being someone who hopped on one foot to the mirror to put her “face” on to a frail slip of a woman, lying in a home-hospital bed where I draw her eyebrows on each morning and three tiny spoonfuls of Jello are cause for celebration.
While the initial shock has worn off there are moments that it feels surreal.
This can’t be my mother. Not the same woman who just two months ago was climbing two flights of stairs to take step-aerobics with me – the class that she taught for over 30 years!
But it is my mother.
And she’s nearing the end of her journey.
I don’t know how much I’ll write about any of it . . . or if I’ll even write at all. Writing helped me so much when my husband died but then I barely wrote about my brother’s passing.
If you’re keeping count, this will make three losses in as many years.
Strange as it seems, losing my husband and brother has given me strength to deal with the loss of my mother, my lifelong friend and companion. So there’s that. Plus, you just kinda know what to expect – the depression, the anger, the guilt, the no-warning-tears. You know this all happens and you know you’ll get through it and you know you will one day laugh again.
I’m just taking one minute at a time. I felt like writing today and started pouring it all out . . . but wound up with a book. I might decide to write it all out if for no other reason than it might help someone else who has or is experiencing loss. But I don’t know.
One minute at a time.